Tuesday, April 29, 2008
and i'd whisper that i love you
as you fall out of your clothes
today was kind of bad.
the morning, was kind of good actually.
i learned alot in math class (finally)
and, oh, earlier,
finally krystian was on msn as early as i am :)
surprisingly enough, it wasnt full of as much conversation until seven
and, then i left ina rush because there wasnt enough time to finish what we were talking baout.
fml :P
so anyway,
history class was good
we watched this movie, hmmm
"swing boys" about rebellious germans during hitlers time
and it was showng their HJ? uniforms
and it showed uniform black boots
the uniform dark green knee highs
then dark blue shorts
and i yelled out "IT LOOKS LIKE REZ"
and my teacher was all mad and appalled.
anyway, lunch, was by myself.
my bagel order got lost, so i had to wait forlike, ten minutes in line
that wasnt bad, though. i had to waste time.
a teacher tried to get me in trouble for being upstairs during lunch
and i juust looked at her, and kept walking
she like, shit her pants.
so, religion class, wasnt bad at first.
jamieson sat beside me, meh.
we watched this sex movie, and after it was done jamie had to leave to do something for a teacher
so then im sitting by myself
my teacher proposes "does anyone know people, in real life in abusive relationships
and i was the only one to raise my hand.
the teacher brings a point about how she knew a story about a girl who almost got raped, but knew karate so she was chill.
then she calls on me.
"So, Erica.."
me: What, you want me to tell?
teacher: Yes..
me: um, in that case, no i don't know any
teacher: well. you dont have to name names.
* mary winds up distracting teacher and the subject is changed
teacher comes back to me and i give her a mere instance of my own
slightly altered.
anyway, the tsheet also said "DATE RAPE" in big bold letters
jamieson comes back, gets a sheet from the front of the class
and sits beside me.
i had my dhead on the desk
and i was already hyperventilating
i had a couple papers all over my desk,
and without looking up, i write "we're talking about rape jamieson, im gonna baul my eyes out"
i was as quiet as possible, while the teacher is reading the stats
it was written in paragraph form, with stats intertwined
and the teacher would stop, and give her own opinions
"it is suspected only 1% of this type of rape is reported. Why do you think that?"
shes asking people. and people are answering with "i think"
i was SCREAMING in my head "I KNOW..I KNOW!"
i started slowly crying, quietly, but i could feel my back spasming, shoulders collapsing in and out quickly
jamieson rubbed my back, every couple of minutes, quickly - awkwardly.
i felt so bad.
i didnt want to go outside of the clas.s
but i knew it was what i should do.
i sat there, and as the teacher kept reading
"victims of sexual assault are much more likely to report the crime to the police when it is perpetrated by a stranger than when it is committed by an acquaintance, friend, or partnet"
"date rape foes not fit the stranger-in-the-dark-alley stereotype"
and continued with Physical Abuse
"Dating violence is sometimes viewed by one or both partners as an indication of love, especially when it is perceived asa sign of jealousy. However assault is about power, not passion"
it felt like the class just wouldnt end.
i wouldnt raise my head,
but i wouldnt dare make a noise.
this would be far to embarassing.
i felt bad for jamieson.
i still do.
the class ended, and people obviously saw me, but they left me alone.
i'd like to thank all of them for that.
but i wouldnt.
that'd be too embarassing, as well.
i wrote on the paper
"How much time left in class"
i was worried how jamieson would answer.
i held the pen in my hand, comfortably, but loosely,
so jamieson could take it out of my hand.
i held it with the tips of my hands, so if he took the pen,
he wouldnt feel the sweat that transfered from my palms.
he said it quietly outloud, "seven minutes"
i sat there,
thinking, if i stopped crying, that i could clear up by the end of class,
i could act normal.
no one had noticed?
the teacher told people they could pack up
mary came to the back
rubbing my back too.
i stood up, and went to the window at my side
me and mary just stood there talking.
me and mary went to my class, and i wrote
"ERICA IS UPSET AND GOING TO THE WASHROOM TO CRY
WILL BE BACK ASAP"
vicky missy and andrea looked at my face and asked me what was wrong.
i didnt answer, just left
we went to the washroom, and i eased up a bit
i got into class, and it was chill.
thank god no one made a huge deal.
class was fun, we're in powerpoint now.
mmh, tonight'll be bad i think
Labels: crying, jamieson, mary, rape, religion